Him

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting in my room, at my desk, listening to songs that say words I cannot. The day is almost at a close so I want to talk about him. He’s been on my mind all day. Let me be honest here, he is always on my mind even if I don’t realize it right away. Most nights, he’s in my dreams. The feelings I have for this man don’t compare to anything else.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, The Notebook type love that’s everlasting. But a part of me never truly believed in soulmates until the day I met him. I remember like it was yesterday. I remember all of our memories like they were yesterday. But I remember that day because I was such a nervous wreck. My insides were badly twisted and I was afraid that as soon as he saw me, he would be uninterested. I never think of myself as the best woman out there. I don’t even come close. I always feel there are things about myself that I could fix, appearance and personality wise. But the moment my eyes met his, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know. I kept denying it. Over the months that I didn’t get to see him, I tried pushing him away, and he knew. I never felt good enough for him. I felt like I was damaged, like I would bring him nothing but sadness and anger. He never left though. So I decided to give it a try. I decided to trust my heart. I let myself love him. And I still do. Because I believed in soulmates, because I believed that he was my missing puzzle piece. He was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of the school day and just tell him about my day and have him tell me about his. For us to make memories, for us to have this cute house that fit who we were, for me to take him on a journey through all the places where I grew up so he could see the beauty of all of it.

I miss him. I miss him so much.. I miss our talks, our cute nicknames. I miss hearing his voice, and I miss seeing his face. I miss him sending me pictures with the filters on Snapchat, and then I could screenshot them and put them in my folder on my phone so I could just see his face. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. The ache in my heart doesn’t lessen because he’s missing from there. Some days are harder than others. Some days I just wish I could forget but I know that if I were to forget, my life wouldn’t have been better for knowing him, for loving him. Because of him, I learned to trust in a way I never thought I could. I learned that hope is important to have. And I learned that sometimes things cannot be. That was the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I know what my heart wants and I know what I want. And it’s just him. He is my home. When I looked at him, I knew I was home. When I was in his arms, I knew I was home. When he held my hand, I knew I was home. When his lips touched mine, I knew I was home. When he spoke of our future, I knew I was home. Because in my mind, there was no one else but him, for me. He would do this thing, where he would just look at me and smile. He wouldn’t say anything, just look at me. And I would wonder why he would just stare at me, so I would eventually ask, “What?” and he’d make some comment about looking at his beautiful girlfriend. And I would try not to blush because that man, God, that man, had the ability to bring butterflies to my tummy, make me weak in the knees, at his smile. I will always remember his arms around me, I will always remember the way I felt being in his arms, the warmth, the safety, the love. I will always remember the way his hand felt holding mine. I will always remember how our hands fit together, how he never judged my baby hands, how he would hold onto my hand when I would try to pull away. I will always remember the way his kisses felt. I will always remember the way I felt when he kissed me, the love, the rush of life into my body, the thought that I could kiss him every day for the rest of my life and be totally and absolutely content with everything. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his voice. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with him. And I will want him to be happy and have goodness in him. Always and Forever. Because il nostro amore e l’amore che move il sole e l’altre stelle.

Memories

“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”

  • Honore de Balzac

Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.

Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think  back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..