Those Moments

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just know something? You close your eyes and feel this warmth, warming your soul, your heart, your smile. I have, with love. Nicholas Sparks’ character, Landon Carter, in A Walk to Remember, said “love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” The wind is like a fresh breeze, blowing through your hair. You’ll never see the wind, but you will always feel it brushing across your skin.

When I started talking to you, I wasn’t looking for anything special. I was looking for a friend. Someone who I could talk to late at night, while laying down, binge-watching a show on Netflix, with my hair in a knock-off messy bun, makeup still on my face. As the month passed, I began to hear compliments from people around me, I was beginning to glow. Not a literal glow, but my smile was more real, stretching from cheek to cheek. I was laughing more, a hearty laugh that comes from your stomach. When I would hear the ping of my phone, I knew it was you and everything would seem brighter somehow. I couldn’t wait until I could meet you.

When I met you, I knew something? The way you know that the sky can be blue, the way you can smell the rain coming, this dewy smell, the way you know the smell of the fresh cut grass on a sunny day. Our eyes met, and I knew you were it. You were wearing a black polo shirt, with your white shorts, and sandals. You had two venti double chocolate chip frappuccinos, my favorite drink. Your smile was shining brighter than the sun. It was almost blinding but I couldn’t look away. When you got closer, I was hit by the smell of your cologne, the heady scent of it, one that I could never forget. My heart was beating out of my chest, you could almost see it. I can still remember the sound of your voice, how masculine, how deep the baritone was. When I hear it on the phone now, I smile and feel weightless because I’m carried by your voice.

When I went on my favorite date with you, it was the best day of the year. It was Christmas in November. I was a little child, opening her Christmas present. The glee, the joy, I felt was nothing that I had ever experienced. I was bashful, like Snow White’s dwarf. I was blushing, a rosy tint to my cheeks, I couldn’t meet your eyes because I could swim in them forever. When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt warm, safe, home. Everything was a puzzle, and it all fit together. Nothing had to be shoved or scrunched into place, everything was a magically, perfect fit. I remember the food at Johnny Rockets, the shock that appeared on my face when you ordered my meal and my milkshake. I remember saying, “This isn’t the 1940s, I can order for myself,” even though I loved you ordering for me. I remember singing my favorite songs, because I knew all of them, and you recording me on your Snapchat, saying how beautiful my voice was. You call me your angel with the angelic voice, with my halo that makes gleam with brightness and beauty, even on my no-makeup days, which occur more frequently.

In the bible, Corinthians 13: 4-7, it is stated that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Love is the wind. You can’t see love but it’s there. It’s a kind, gentle feeling that can warm you on the coldest night, in the loneliest hour. When you love someone, you just know. Everything is right in the world. Home is where the heart is and you’re my home.

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Dark and Damaged.

He is my sun.

In this everlasting darkness.

He is the light that hits right

He blinds my eyes in the dark

But fills me with a warmth

A warmth I had not felt in years

He saved my heart

When I did not want to be saved

One look into those eyes

And my soul became whole

How dare he

He came into my life

And made it whole

Did he not know

I was no good for him

I would destroy him

His kindness

His helpfulness

His loving heart

Did he not see

I could not destroy it

The pureness I felt

The love that surrounded me

I could not

It was never meant for me

 

 

 

Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Him

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting in my room, at my desk, listening to songs that say words I cannot. The day is almost at a close so I want to talk about him. He’s been on my mind all day. Let me be honest here, he is always on my mind even if I don’t realize it right away. Most nights, he’s in my dreams. The feelings I have for this man don’t compare to anything else.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, The Notebook type love that’s everlasting. But a part of me never truly believed in soulmates until the day I met him. I remember like it was yesterday. I remember all of our memories like they were yesterday. But I remember that day because I was such a nervous wreck. My insides were badly twisted and I was afraid that as soon as he saw me, he would be uninterested. I never think of myself as the best woman out there. I don’t even come close. I always feel there are things about myself that I could fix, appearance and personality wise. But the moment my eyes met his, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know. I kept denying it. Over the months that I didn’t get to see him, I tried pushing him away, and he knew. I never felt good enough for him. I felt like I was damaged, like I would bring him nothing but sadness and anger. He never left though. So I decided to give it a try. I decided to trust my heart. I let myself love him. And I still do. Because I believed in soulmates, because I believed that he was my missing puzzle piece. He was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of the school day and just tell him about my day and have him tell me about his. For us to make memories, for us to have this cute house that fit who we were, for me to take him on a journey through all the places where I grew up so he could see the beauty of all of it.

I miss him. I miss him so much.. I miss our talks, our cute nicknames. I miss hearing his voice, and I miss seeing his face. I miss him sending me pictures with the filters on Snapchat, and then I could screenshot them and put them in my folder on my phone so I could just see his face. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. The ache in my heart doesn’t lessen because he’s missing from there. Some days are harder than others. Some days I just wish I could forget but I know that if I were to forget, my life wouldn’t have been better for knowing him, for loving him. Because of him, I learned to trust in a way I never thought I could. I learned that hope is important to have. And I learned that sometimes things cannot be. That was the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I know what my heart wants and I know what I want. And it’s just him. He is my home. When I looked at him, I knew I was home. When I was in his arms, I knew I was home. When he held my hand, I knew I was home. When his lips touched mine, I knew I was home. When he spoke of our future, I knew I was home. Because in my mind, there was no one else but him, for me. He would do this thing, where he would just look at me and smile. He wouldn’t say anything, just look at me. And I would wonder why he would just stare at me, so I would eventually ask, “What?” and he’d make some comment about looking at his beautiful girlfriend. And I would try not to blush because that man, God, that man, had the ability to bring butterflies to my tummy, make me weak in the knees, at his smile. I will always remember his arms around me, I will always remember the way I felt being in his arms, the warmth, the safety, the love. I will always remember the way his hand felt holding mine. I will always remember how our hands fit together, how he never judged my baby hands, how he would hold onto my hand when I would try to pull away. I will always remember the way his kisses felt. I will always remember the way I felt when he kissed me, the love, the rush of life into my body, the thought that I could kiss him every day for the rest of my life and be totally and absolutely content with everything. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his voice. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with him. And I will want him to be happy and have goodness in him. Always and Forever. Because il nostro amore e l’amore che move il sole e l’altre stelle.