Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Him

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting in my room, at my desk, listening to songs that say words I cannot. The day is almost at a close so I want to talk about him. He’s been on my mind all day. Let me be honest here, he is always on my mind even if I don’t realize it right away. Most nights, he’s in my dreams. The feelings I have for this man don’t compare to anything else.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, The Notebook type love that’s everlasting. But a part of me never truly believed in soulmates until the day I met him. I remember like it was yesterday. I remember all of our memories like they were yesterday. But I remember that day because I was such a nervous wreck. My insides were badly twisted and I was afraid that as soon as he saw me, he would be uninterested. I never think of myself as the best woman out there. I don’t even come close. I always feel there are things about myself that I could fix, appearance and personality wise. But the moment my eyes met his, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know. I kept denying it. Over the months that I didn’t get to see him, I tried pushing him away, and he knew. I never felt good enough for him. I felt like I was damaged, like I would bring him nothing but sadness and anger. He never left though. So I decided to give it a try. I decided to trust my heart. I let myself love him. And I still do. Because I believed in soulmates, because I believed that he was my missing puzzle piece. He was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of the school day and just tell him about my day and have him tell me about his. For us to make memories, for us to have this cute house that fit who we were, for me to take him on a journey through all the places where I grew up so he could see the beauty of all of it.

I miss him. I miss him so much.. I miss our talks, our cute nicknames. I miss hearing his voice, and I miss seeing his face. I miss him sending me pictures with the filters on Snapchat, and then I could screenshot them and put them in my folder on my phone so I could just see his face. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. The ache in my heart doesn’t lessen because he’s missing from there. Some days are harder than others. Some days I just wish I could forget but I know that if I were to forget, my life wouldn’t have been better for knowing him, for loving him. Because of him, I learned to trust in a way I never thought I could. I learned that hope is important to have. And I learned that sometimes things cannot be. That was the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I know what my heart wants and I know what I want. And it’s just him. He is my home. When I looked at him, I knew I was home. When I was in his arms, I knew I was home. When he held my hand, I knew I was home. When his lips touched mine, I knew I was home. When he spoke of our future, I knew I was home. Because in my mind, there was no one else but him, for me. He would do this thing, where he would just look at me and smile. He wouldn’t say anything, just look at me. And I would wonder why he would just stare at me, so I would eventually ask, “What?” and he’d make some comment about looking at his beautiful girlfriend. And I would try not to blush because that man, God, that man, had the ability to bring butterflies to my tummy, make me weak in the knees, at his smile. I will always remember his arms around me, I will always remember the way I felt being in his arms, the warmth, the safety, the love. I will always remember the way his hand felt holding mine. I will always remember how our hands fit together, how he never judged my baby hands, how he would hold onto my hand when I would try to pull away. I will always remember the way his kisses felt. I will always remember the way I felt when he kissed me, the love, the rush of life into my body, the thought that I could kiss him every day for the rest of my life and be totally and absolutely content with everything. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his voice. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with him. And I will want him to be happy and have goodness in him. Always and Forever. Because il nostro amore e l’amore che move il sole e l’altre stelle.

You

The first time I saw you,

My heart was beating so fast

Your smile was heaven

Your laughter was hopeful

Your hug was magical

I never wanted to stop looking into your eyes

I tried. I tried to push you away

I could never be good enough

But you held on, you held on so tight

Your embrace kept me warm, your smile became my home

Your strength melted my fears away

With you, my dreams became a reality

I found the man I wanted to spend my life with

All my worries and fears could fade away when I thought of you

My heart misses you now

My soul misses you now

My love for you will always be.

 

Goodbyes..

No one ever warns you how painful certain goodbyes can be. No one ever tells you that it is a physical pain. A pain you wish never existed. A pain that can make you drop to your knees.. No one tells you how many tears fall. It is not fair. But then again, there are those who say

“No one ever said life was fair.”

I have so many regrets in this life. I was never perfect. I never claimed to be. This goodbye probably hits me the hardest.. Because I never wanted to say goodbye.. I kept a hope alive in my heart that maybe, someday, it could be again. But now I know it was never meant to be.. It seems almost cruel in a way. For God to play a horrible joke. For me to fall in love after promising myself never to fall in love again. For me to fall so deep and not want to get up. Always believing that he would be there. For me to believe that Always&Forever would really be forever. No one ever told me forever was such a short time. I would have forsaken everything for him. I would have done anything to be with him. Does that make me a fool? Did I over love? Did I hold on too tight and God decided I was not allowed to have him anymore? Was my hope too bright? Too encompassing? How do I move on now? How do I put him behind me when all I dream of is him? I made a video of pictures of us, of pictures of him. I watch it every day. Always just once. I don’t think I am ever going to be ready for this.. Every night since he left, I get on my knees and pray those unanswered prayers. No one ever said that saying goodbye would break your heart all over again..

Memories

“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”

  • Honore de Balzac

Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.

Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think  back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..

Time

This morning, I woke up. I woke up and remembered. I didn’t cry but I felt an emptiness so deep. I didn’t sleep well. I knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. I dreamed about all of our memories. I woke up at 1 a.m., crying, my heart in pain. Every time I went back to sleep last night, I kept waking up from a dream of a memory, starting from the beginning. This isn’t easy. I don’t think it ever will be. He’s the love of my life but I’m not with him anymore. This devastates me. I don’t have an appetite so I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Half of me is gone. How do I get that back? How do I move on? Someone wrote me last night, letting me know they could help me move on, but that’s not what I want. I want him. And I can’t have him. In my heart, there will never be anyone but him. But I don’t know how to function without him yet. I can’t do this. I can’t. When I close my eyes, all I see is him. I put his sweater on last night to be closer to him. I cried after that, for hours. Inside, I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at God and ask him why this happened, why he isn’t mine anymore. Why He took away my happiness. But I can’t.. I  keep having to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. All I can do now is wish him the best in this life and drag myself through life alone. Years from now, when I’m by myself, I’ll think back to this time. I’ll think back to the moment I felt lost, I felt alone. The moment I knew I lost him. I love him, and I know I always will. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved him. He will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me. He decided to leave me, I understand, and I’ll let him go, but the sorrow in my heart will never fade. Because he’ll always be the one I want, he’ll always be in my heart. He’ll always be the one that taught me to love myself and he’ll always be the one who loved me when I didn’t think anyone ever would again. I’ll never regret him and I’ll never hate him. 

 

Sometimes..

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. But what do I do now? How do I place the memories behind me? How do I look forward and not remember how my heart beat when I thought of you? How do I smile even when I hear your name? How do I pretend to be okay when I’m really not? All I can think of now is your smile. I was praying, and all I could see in my mind was your smile. The smile I fell in love with. The smile you graced me with so often. The smile that was mine. When I go to sleep tonight, what will I see in my dreams tonight? The future I used to dream is gone. So what will replace it? Will I dream of you? Will I dream of your smile, your hugs, your hand holding mine? Will I dream of you touching my hair, my face? Will I dream of your kisses? I’m scared of what I will see when I close my eyes tonight. I miss you. God help me, I miss you. I miss everything. I miss your voice, your laugh, your smile, your eyes. God help me, please.