Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Goodbyes..

No one ever warns you how painful certain goodbyes can be. No one ever tells you that it is a physical pain. A pain you wish never existed. A pain that can make you drop to your knees.. No one tells you how many tears fall. It is not fair. But then again, there are those who say

“No one ever said life was fair.”

I have so many regrets in this life. I was never perfect. I never claimed to be. This goodbye probably hits me the hardest.. Because I never wanted to say goodbye.. I kept a hope alive in my heart that maybe, someday, it could be again. But now I know it was never meant to be.. It seems almost cruel in a way. For God to play a horrible joke. For me to fall in love after promising myself never to fall in love again. For me to fall so deep and not want to get up. Always believing that he would be there. For me to believe that Always&Forever would really be forever. No one ever told me forever was such a short time. I would have forsaken everything for him. I would have done anything to be with him. Does that make me a fool? Did I over love? Did I hold on too tight and God decided I was not allowed to have him anymore? Was my hope too bright? Too encompassing? How do I move on now? How do I put him behind me when all I dream of is him? I made a video of pictures of us, of pictures of him. I watch it every day. Always just once. I don’t think I am ever going to be ready for this.. Every night since he left, I get on my knees and pray those unanswered prayers. No one ever said that saying goodbye would break your heart all over again..

Memories

“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”

  • Honore de Balzac

Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.

Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think  back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..

Time

This morning, I woke up. I woke up and remembered. I didn’t cry but I felt an emptiness so deep. I didn’t sleep well. I knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. I dreamed about all of our memories. I woke up at 1 a.m., crying, my heart in pain. Every time I went back to sleep last night, I kept waking up from a dream of a memory, starting from the beginning. This isn’t easy. I don’t think it ever will be. He’s the love of my life but I’m not with him anymore. This devastates me. I don’t have an appetite so I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Half of me is gone. How do I get that back? How do I move on? Someone wrote me last night, letting me know they could help me move on, but that’s not what I want. I want him. And I can’t have him. In my heart, there will never be anyone but him. But I don’t know how to function without him yet. I can’t do this. I can’t. When I close my eyes, all I see is him. I put his sweater on last night to be closer to him. I cried after that, for hours. Inside, I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at God and ask him why this happened, why he isn’t mine anymore. Why He took away my happiness. But I can’t.. I  keep having to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. All I can do now is wish him the best in this life and drag myself through life alone. Years from now, when I’m by myself, I’ll think back to this time. I’ll think back to the moment I felt lost, I felt alone. The moment I knew I lost him. I love him, and I know I always will. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved him. He will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me. He decided to leave me, I understand, and I’ll let him go, but the sorrow in my heart will never fade. Because he’ll always be the one I want, he’ll always be in my heart. He’ll always be the one that taught me to love myself and he’ll always be the one who loved me when I didn’t think anyone ever would again. I’ll never regret him and I’ll never hate him. 

 

Moving on..

Today was a hard day.. I never thought this would be a day I’d have. When I was promised forever, I really thought it’d be forever. After it happened, I screamed and I cried.. I felt like I was literally ripped in half. This was a pain I never knew I’d feel. I wanted to hate him.. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him back.. I wanted him to be mine.. I have to move on, and I don’t know if I can or if I even want to.. Everyone says it just takes time, that I haven’t found the one yet. But he was my one… I knew that from the moment I met him. The feelings were real, the love was real, everything was real.. I don’t know what to do without him. I pictured my future with him. I pictured my life with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m utterly and completely lost. I’ve never wanted to open to anyone after Ben. But I did. I opened my heart and gave it to someone to protect it and cherish it. And it’s shattered now.. I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I don’t know how to piece it back together. I prayed for an answer, for a way, for anything to take away my heartbreak.. I just want him back.. The sound of his voice, the feel of his hugs, they kept me safe.. And now I don’t have them anymore.. My heart hurts..

To Her Great Love

To her greatest love,

Isn’t it funny how life can change within a second? Isn’t it inspiring how you came into her life when she needed you the most? She needed to learn to love herself and she couldn’t, without you. You loved her, you loved her for who she was, not for how she looked or for what you could gain from her. You loved her soul. She’ll never forget the lessons you taught her. She was destroyed the last time she loved someone. Pieces of her were so broken, she never thought she’d be whole again. She hid herself away, she hid her heart away, to protect herself. Then you came along, and the feelings she felt towards you left her terrified. Her mind and her heart fought against one another. But she decided to trust her heart one last time. She put her all into you, her heart, her soul, and loved you so. She loved you even when apart. She remained loyal through a battle of her heart and mind. She loved, and loved. Even when hope seemed so lost. Because she believed you were worth everything. And you were. You loved her back. You promised her an always and she put her faith into that promise. You slowly taught her to think differently of herself. To see herself the way you saw her. She can look in a mirror and like the reflection she is because you taught her more about herself than she thought possible. When she thinks of her future, you are always a part of it. Because she wants you to be a part of it. The thought of losing you terrifies her because she put all of her love in your hands. She wants you, she wants you in her life. Because you are a part of her happiness. Because she wants you to be the last person she loves because of who you are as a  person. Because of your kind, gentle, wise, loving heart. Because you complete her in a  way no one else ever did or will. You are her soulmate, her piece of the puzzle she has been missing. If you ever decide to stop loving her one day, she’ll understand, and she’ll let you go, but the sorrow in her heart will never fade. Because you’ll always be the one she wanted, you’ll always be in her heart. You’ll always be the one that taught her to love herself and you’ll always be the one who loved her when she didn’t think anyone ever would.

Life

Has anyone else noticed how busy life tends to get? It leads you on an expedition. You go through obstacles that push you to your limit. Friends who don’t care. Family who doesn’t listen to you. Sounds like a pitiful life. But then you experience one day that seems to change it all. Was that my life? Was this my purpose in life? I find myself asking questions about what my purpose is here. What should I do in this world? Should I spend my life doing something meaningful? Of course. I’m on that course already. But I find myself wanting to give up when someone tells me that I can’t do it because of the type of person I am. If I can put my mind to it, can’t I do it? Won’t anyone just have some type of faith in me? Give me strength, help build me up, or you’ll be gone from my life. That’s what I told someone today who needed that bit of guidance. I told her to get rid of the negative person that was dragging her down. Because if we let that influence us, then what accomplishments would we gain in this life?