Those Moments

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just know something? You close your eyes and feel this warmth, warming your soul, your heart, your smile. I have, with love. Nicholas Sparks’ character, Landon Carter, in A Walk to Remember, said “love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” The wind is like a fresh breeze, blowing through your hair. You’ll never see the wind, but you will always feel it brushing across your skin.

When I started talking to you, I wasn’t looking for anything special. I was looking for a friend. Someone who I could talk to late at night, while laying down, binge-watching a show on Netflix, with my hair in a knock-off messy bun, makeup still on my face. As the month passed, I began to hear compliments from people around me, I was beginning to glow. Not a literal glow, but my smile was more real, stretching from cheek to cheek. I was laughing more, a hearty laugh that comes from your stomach. When I would hear the ping of my phone, I knew it was you and everything would seem brighter somehow. I couldn’t wait until I could meet you.

When I met you, I knew something? The way you know that the sky can be blue, the way you can smell the rain coming, this dewy smell, the way you know the smell of the fresh cut grass on a sunny day. Our eyes met, and I knew you were it. You were wearing a black polo shirt, with your white shorts, and sandals. You had two venti double chocolate chip frappuccinos, my favorite drink. Your smile was shining brighter than the sun. It was almost blinding but I couldn’t look away. When you got closer, I was hit by the smell of your cologne, the heady scent of it, one that I could never forget. My heart was beating out of my chest, you could almost see it. I can still remember the sound of your voice, how masculine, how deep the baritone was. When I hear it on the phone now, I smile and feel weightless because I’m carried by your voice.

When I went on my favorite date with you, it was the best day of the year. It was Christmas in November. I was a little child, opening her Christmas present. The glee, the joy, I felt was nothing that I had ever experienced. I was bashful, like Snow White’s dwarf. I was blushing, a rosy tint to my cheeks, I couldn’t meet your eyes because I could swim in them forever. When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt warm, safe, home. Everything was a puzzle, and it all fit together. Nothing had to be shoved or scrunched into place, everything was a magically, perfect fit. I remember the food at Johnny Rockets, the shock that appeared on my face when you ordered my meal and my milkshake. I remember saying, “This isn’t the 1940s, I can order for myself,” even though I loved you ordering for me. I remember singing my favorite songs, because I knew all of them, and you recording me on your Snapchat, saying how beautiful my voice was. You call me your angel with the angelic voice, with my halo that makes gleam with brightness and beauty, even on my no-makeup days, which occur more frequently.

In the bible, Corinthians 13: 4-7, it is stated that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Love is the wind. You can’t see love but it’s there. It’s a kind, gentle feeling that can warm you on the coldest night, in the loneliest hour. When you love someone, you just know. Everything is right in the world. Home is where the heart is and you’re my home.

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Him

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting in my room, at my desk, listening to songs that say words I cannot. The day is almost at a close so I want to talk about him. He’s been on my mind all day. Let me be honest here, he is always on my mind even if I don’t realize it right away. Most nights, he’s in my dreams. The feelings I have for this man don’t compare to anything else.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, The Notebook type love that’s everlasting. But a part of me never truly believed in soulmates until the day I met him. I remember like it was yesterday. I remember all of our memories like they were yesterday. But I remember that day because I was such a nervous wreck. My insides were badly twisted and I was afraid that as soon as he saw me, he would be uninterested. I never think of myself as the best woman out there. I don’t even come close. I always feel there are things about myself that I could fix, appearance and personality wise. But the moment my eyes met his, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know. I kept denying it. Over the months that I didn’t get to see him, I tried pushing him away, and he knew. I never felt good enough for him. I felt like I was damaged, like I would bring him nothing but sadness and anger. He never left though. So I decided to give it a try. I decided to trust my heart. I let myself love him. And I still do. Because I believed in soulmates, because I believed that he was my missing puzzle piece. He was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of the school day and just tell him about my day and have him tell me about his. For us to make memories, for us to have this cute house that fit who we were, for me to take him on a journey through all the places where I grew up so he could see the beauty of all of it.

I miss him. I miss him so much.. I miss our talks, our cute nicknames. I miss hearing his voice, and I miss seeing his face. I miss him sending me pictures with the filters on Snapchat, and then I could screenshot them and put them in my folder on my phone so I could just see his face. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. The ache in my heart doesn’t lessen because he’s missing from there. Some days are harder than others. Some days I just wish I could forget but I know that if I were to forget, my life wouldn’t have been better for knowing him, for loving him. Because of him, I learned to trust in a way I never thought I could. I learned that hope is important to have. And I learned that sometimes things cannot be. That was the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I know what my heart wants and I know what I want. And it’s just him. He is my home. When I looked at him, I knew I was home. When I was in his arms, I knew I was home. When he held my hand, I knew I was home. When his lips touched mine, I knew I was home. When he spoke of our future, I knew I was home. Because in my mind, there was no one else but him, for me. He would do this thing, where he would just look at me and smile. He wouldn’t say anything, just look at me. And I would wonder why he would just stare at me, so I would eventually ask, “What?” and he’d make some comment about looking at his beautiful girlfriend. And I would try not to blush because that man, God, that man, had the ability to bring butterflies to my tummy, make me weak in the knees, at his smile. I will always remember his arms around me, I will always remember the way I felt being in his arms, the warmth, the safety, the love. I will always remember the way his hand felt holding mine. I will always remember how our hands fit together, how he never judged my baby hands, how he would hold onto my hand when I would try to pull away. I will always remember the way his kisses felt. I will always remember the way I felt when he kissed me, the love, the rush of life into my body, the thought that I could kiss him every day for the rest of my life and be totally and absolutely content with everything. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his voice. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with him. And I will want him to be happy and have goodness in him. Always and Forever. Because il nostro amore e l’amore che move il sole e l’altre stelle.

You

The first time I saw you,

My heart was beating so fast

Your smile was heaven

Your laughter was hopeful

Your hug was magical

I never wanted to stop looking into your eyes

I tried. I tried to push you away

I could never be good enough

But you held on, you held on so tight

Your embrace kept me warm, your smile became my home

Your strength melted my fears away

With you, my dreams became a reality

I found the man I wanted to spend my life with

All my worries and fears could fade away when I thought of you

My heart misses you now

My soul misses you now

My love for you will always be.

 

Memories

“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”

  • Honore de Balzac

Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.

Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think  back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..

Sometimes..

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. But what do I do now? How do I place the memories behind me? How do I look forward and not remember how my heart beat when I thought of you? How do I smile even when I hear your name? How do I pretend to be okay when I’m really not? All I can think of now is your smile. I was praying, and all I could see in my mind was your smile. The smile I fell in love with. The smile you graced me with so often. The smile that was mine. When I go to sleep tonight, what will I see in my dreams tonight? The future I used to dream is gone. So what will replace it? Will I dream of you? Will I dream of your smile, your hugs, your hand holding mine? Will I dream of you touching my hair, my face? Will I dream of your kisses? I’m scared of what I will see when I close my eyes tonight. I miss you. God help me, I miss you. I miss everything. I miss your voice, your laugh, your smile, your eyes. God help me, please.

To Her Great Love

To her greatest love,

Isn’t it funny how life can change within a second? Isn’t it inspiring how you came into her life when she needed you the most? She needed to learn to love herself and she couldn’t, without you. You loved her, you loved her for who she was, not for how she looked or for what you could gain from her. You loved her soul. She’ll never forget the lessons you taught her. She was destroyed the last time she loved someone. Pieces of her were so broken, she never thought she’d be whole again. She hid herself away, she hid her heart away, to protect herself. Then you came along, and the feelings she felt towards you left her terrified. Her mind and her heart fought against one another. But she decided to trust her heart one last time. She put her all into you, her heart, her soul, and loved you so. She loved you even when apart. She remained loyal through a battle of her heart and mind. She loved, and loved. Even when hope seemed so lost. Because she believed you were worth everything. And you were. You loved her back. You promised her an always and she put her faith into that promise. You slowly taught her to think differently of herself. To see herself the way you saw her. She can look in a mirror and like the reflection she is because you taught her more about herself than she thought possible. When she thinks of her future, you are always a part of it. Because she wants you to be a part of it. The thought of losing you terrifies her because she put all of her love in your hands. She wants you, she wants you in her life. Because you are a part of her happiness. Because she wants you to be the last person she loves because of who you are as a  person. Because of your kind, gentle, wise, loving heart. Because you complete her in a  way no one else ever did or will. You are her soulmate, her piece of the puzzle she has been missing. If you ever decide to stop loving her one day, she’ll understand, and she’ll let you go, but the sorrow in her heart will never fade. Because you’ll always be the one she wanted, you’ll always be in her heart. You’ll always be the one that taught her to love herself and you’ll always be the one who loved her when she didn’t think anyone ever would.