This is so hard… all I want to do is talk to you. I just want to be able to write you. I miss you so much. My heart misses you so much.. I think nights are the hardest. Because I just lay in bed, and think of you. I made this video of us. This video of selfies you’ve sent me, pictures we’ve taken together. I think I must’ve watched it 5 times over and over again that first day. It just all still seems unreal. Part of my heart keeps hoping I’ll wake up and this will be a dream. That you’ll still be in my life and that we’ll still be planning our future together. With Napoleon and the compromises we make. Planning those future lunch dates when I have my own classroom. I just want that back. I want those moments back. I want you back. I want you to be mine. I’m missing half of me.. and I’m not sure what to do.. I want to wait for you, for us because in my heart, it feels worth it. But I feel like you don’t want me to wait, that you KNOW we won’t be together again. It feels like a knife in my gut, thinking of you with someone else. And I can’t picture myself with anyone else.. I can be out, walking, and pass a guy. When I look at his face, and I see he isn’t you, I stop paying attention to him. Because he’s not you. Because in my heart, I don’t want anyone but you.. I know you’ll move on someday and that thought alone shatters my heart each time.. because I want to be selfish. I want you to be with me. I’m so sorry for being selfish. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry if there was ever a moment where it seemed like I didn’t want you to be close with me or maybe where I pushed you away. I’m not perfect. I’ve never been perfect. There were things that left me devastated, that I was healing because of you. You helped me want to be a better person because I wanted to be good enough for you. And I know I fell short of that.. and for that I’m sorry. My heart will always love, part of me will be waiting. I know that much to be true.. I just miss talking to you everyday, having you tell me that everything was going to be okay. I miss you. And I want you to be with me.. Always&Forever JGS
Every fiber of my being wants to write him. I type out a message, I hover over the send button, and then I backspace all of it. I miss him. I miss him so much, and it hurts. I keep opening the app we use to talk because sometimes it’ll say what he’s listening to. I can picture him in the car when he’d play songs and then sing them. I’d giggle because he was so cute doing it. I’d giggle because it all felt so perfect. It felt like home.
What is sacrifice? Merriam-Webster described sacrifice as “the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.” Yesterday, the children and I were talking about sacrifice. About the symbolic meaning behind a sacrifice. I was using it in reference to God giving His son to us. I told them it was a selfless sacrifice. A sacrifice He made out of love for us. The children’s eyebrows quirked. They looked confused. They asked me if regular people, people like us, ever made sacrifices out of love. I stopped to think about it and pulled together some examples I could think of. They understood and then they asked me, “Miss Kassandra, is there a sacrifice you’d make out of love?” It never occurred to me that they would ask me a question like that. It never occurred to me that I would have an answer for it. Tears came to my eyes. I willed them away because the last thing I wanted was for the children to see me cry. And I simply said yes. Last night I was in my room, I was sitting on my bed, looking through pictures on my phone, watching a video I had created, thinking of memories. I was remembering all that was said, all that was done. I cried for something I’d lost, something that had slipped from my grasp. My feelings would never change but my actions had to. In order to protect the one I love, I have to make a sacrifice. My pain, I have to hide. My love, I have to hide. Because I need him to be happy. Even if he’s not with me. I want to shout from the rooftops about how much this man means to me, how much I love him. But I’ll put it in my heart, I’ll write it when I think it. Sacrifices were meant to hurt some. But I would rather it be me than him.
No one ever warns you how painful certain goodbyes can be. No one ever tells you that it is a physical pain. A pain you wish never existed. A pain that can make you drop to your knees.. No one tells you how many tears fall. It is not fair. But then again, there are those who say
“No one ever said life was fair.”
I have so many regrets in this life. I was never perfect. I never claimed to be. This goodbye probably hits me the hardest.. Because I never wanted to say goodbye.. I kept a hope alive in my heart that maybe, someday, it could be again. But now I know it was never meant to be.. It seems almost cruel in a way. For God to play a horrible joke. For me to fall in love after promising myself never to fall in love again. For me to fall so deep and not want to get up. Always believing that he would be there. For me to believe that Always&Forever would really be forever. No one ever told me forever was such a short time. I would have forsaken everything for him. I would have done anything to be with him. Does that make me a fool? Did I over love? Did I hold on too tight and God decided I was not allowed to have him anymore? Was my hope too bright? Too encompassing? How do I move on now? How do I put him behind me when all I dream of is him? I made a video of pictures of us, of pictures of him. I watch it every day. Always just once. I don’t think I am ever going to be ready for this.. Every night since he left, I get on my knees and pray those unanswered prayers. No one ever said that saying goodbye would break your heart all over again..
“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”
Honore de Balzac
Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.
Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..
This morning, I woke up. I woke up and remembered. I didn’t cry but I felt an emptiness so deep. I didn’t sleep well. I knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. I dreamed about all of our memories. I woke up at 1 a.m., crying, my heart in pain. Every time I went back to sleep last night, I kept waking up from a dream of a memory, starting from the beginning. This isn’t easy. I don’t think it ever will be. He’s the love of my life but I’m not with him anymore. This devastates me. I don’t have an appetite so I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Half of me is gone. How do I get that back? How do I move on? Someone wrote me last night, letting me know they could help me move on, but that’s not what I want. I want him. And I can’t have him. In my heart, there will never be anyone but him. But I don’t know how to function without him yet. I can’t do this. I can’t. When I close my eyes, all I see is him. I put his sweater on last night to be closer to him. I cried after that, for hours. Inside, I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at God and ask him why this happened, why he isn’t mine anymore. Why He took away my happiness. But I can’t.. I keep having to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. All I can do now is wish him the best in this life and drag myself through life alone. Years from now, when I’m by myself, I’ll think back to this time. I’ll think back to the moment I felt lost, I felt alone. The moment I knew I lost him. I love him, and I know I always will. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved him. He will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me. He decided to leave me, I understand, and I’ll let him go, but the sorrow in my heart will never fade. Because he’ll always be the one I want, he’ll always be in my heart. He’ll always be the one that taught me to love myself and he’ll always be the one who loved me when I didn’t think anyone ever would again. I’ll never regret him and I’ll never hate him.