Those Moments

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just know something? You close your eyes and feel this warmth, warming your soul, your heart, your smile. I have, with love. Nicholas Sparks’ character, Landon Carter, in A Walk to Remember, said “love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” The wind is like a fresh breeze, blowing through your hair. You’ll never see the wind, but you will always feel it brushing across your skin.

When I started talking to you, I wasn’t looking for anything special. I was looking for a friend. Someone who I could talk to late at night, while laying down, binge-watching a show on Netflix, with my hair in a knock-off messy bun, makeup still on my face. As the month passed, I began to hear compliments from people around me, I was beginning to glow. Not a literal glow, but my smile was more real, stretching from cheek to cheek. I was laughing more, a hearty laugh that comes from your stomach. When I would hear the ping of my phone, I knew it was you and everything would seem brighter somehow. I couldn’t wait until I could meet you.

When I met you, I knew something? The way you know that the sky can be blue, the way you can smell the rain coming, this dewy smell, the way you know the smell of the fresh cut grass on a sunny day. Our eyes met, and I knew you were it. You were wearing a black polo shirt, with your white shorts, and sandals. You had two venti double chocolate chip frappuccinos, my favorite drink. Your smile was shining brighter than the sun. It was almost blinding but I couldn’t look away. When you got closer, I was hit by the smell of your cologne, the heady scent of it, one that I could never forget. My heart was beating out of my chest, you could almost see it. I can still remember the sound of your voice, how masculine, how deep the baritone was. When I hear it on the phone now, I smile and feel weightless because I’m carried by your voice.

When I went on my favorite date with you, it was the best day of the year. It was Christmas in November. I was a little child, opening her Christmas present. The glee, the joy, I felt was nothing that I had ever experienced. I was bashful, like Snow White’s dwarf. I was blushing, a rosy tint to my cheeks, I couldn’t meet your eyes because I could swim in them forever. When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt warm, safe, home. Everything was a puzzle, and it all fit together. Nothing had to be shoved or scrunched into place, everything was a magically, perfect fit. I remember the food at Johnny Rockets, the shock that appeared on my face when you ordered my meal and my milkshake. I remember saying, “This isn’t the 1940s, I can order for myself,” even though I loved you ordering for me. I remember singing my favorite songs, because I knew all of them, and you recording me on your Snapchat, saying how beautiful my voice was. You call me your angel with the angelic voice, with my halo that makes gleam with brightness and beauty, even on my no-makeup days, which occur more frequently.

In the bible, Corinthians 13: 4-7, it is stated that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Love is the wind. You can’t see love but it’s there. It’s a kind, gentle feeling that can warm you on the coldest night, in the loneliest hour. When you love someone, you just know. Everything is right in the world. Home is where the heart is and you’re my home.

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Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Bad days

Some days are worse than others. Days where there is no comfort, and inside, I’m breaking. I didn’t ask for this. I promise I didn’t. I didn’t ask to fall in love and then have it taken away from me. I didn’t ask to feel this pain a little more today than I did yesterday. I know it takes time. I’m constantly hearing that it takes time. But how much time until I don’t have to wake up, remembering? Because even in my dreams, I can’t escape. I dream of him with another girl. And I wake up, crying, feeling like every day that passes, it’ll become a reality. How did I go from absolutely knowing the future I wanted with him, the future I dreamed of with him, to dying a little inside because I know he’ll find someone else to share his life with? There was no closure when he walked away. There was no reason as to why I was being left alone. Just the constant, “I didn’t want that. It wasn’t my decision.” Whose? Whose decision was it? And I couldn’t even know that much. I remember how broken I was. How ripped apart I was. How utterly and completely devastated I was. I kept thinking, “Was I not worth you fighting for? Was our love not worth fighting for? Did the things we share mean so little to you?” I wanted him to fight for us, and I felt like he hadn’t even though he said he had. We’re adults, why was someone else being allowed to make a decision like this? Why was someone else able to get him to leave me? I tried to be angry, I tried to hate but I couldn’t. Not at him. Not at someone who was my home, my world. I know that I have to change my background on my phone. When I unlock it, I see a memory him and I shared. It seems so long ago when I laid next to him on his bed, his heart so close to mine, everything perfect in this world. I knew that day that I was undeniably in love with him, that I had found my home. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was washing the dishes and I went to take a picture, and he was behind me, simply washing the dishes, without a care in the world. I turned around and watched him. The feeling that came over me was warmth, I felt my heart pounding, I got a little scared, and then realized my home was with me. He fit the jigsaw piece of my puzzle. When he left, my puzzle broke, and half of my pieces are missing. He has them. And I just want him back. I know, deep down, that he’ll move on and we’ll never be together again. I know.. it doesn’t take away any of the pain though. After he walked away, I was broken. I was a shell. My mother, in her rage and despair, said things she never meant. A couple of weeks after, she confessed that she had felt bad but seeing me, her daughter, screaming, crying, scared her. She asked me if I wanted to ask him to move in with us so him and I could be together. But I didn’t even broach the subject because I knew already. I knew the answer because I know him. Family is everything to him and I knew there was no way he’d leave his family to be with me. One day, on a Saturday in February, I confessed to my mother that I wanted to wait for him. That I would wait for him. Because in my heart, it’s what I felt I needed to do. My mother said she knew that was what I was going to do. That if I prayed, and felt like this is what my heart wanted, then I should wait. This was the first time my mother concurred with me on something. It all felt good. And then it wasn’t. Because he told me not to wait long, that it would be a long time before we could be together. That’s when the nightmares began. I would’ve waited for so long for him because he was worth it. I miss him every day. I want to be with him. Some days are easier than others but not today. Today I miss him more, today I want him more and today I love him a bit more. I just want to be with him. I pray every night. I love him. Always and forever. [JGS]

Late Night Thoughts

This is so hard… all I want to do is talk to you. I just want to be able to write you. I miss you so much. My heart misses you so much.. I think nights are the hardest. Because I just lay in bed, and think of you. I made this video of us. This video of selfies you’ve sent me, pictures we’ve taken together. I think I must’ve watched it 5 times over and over again that first day. It just all still seems unreal. Part of my heart keeps hoping I’ll wake up and this will be a dream. That you’ll still be in my life and that we’ll still be planning our future together. With Napoleon and the compromises we make. Planning those future lunch dates when I have my own classroom. I just want that back. I want those moments back. I want you back. I want you to be mine. I’m missing half of me.. and I’m not sure what to do.. I want to wait for you, for us because in my heart, it feels worth it. But I feel like you don’t want me to wait, that you KNOW we won’t be together again. It feels like a knife in my gut, thinking of you with someone else. And I can’t picture myself with anyone else.. I can be out, walking, and pass a guy. When I look at his face, and I see he isn’t you, I stop paying attention to him. Because he’s not you. Because in my heart, I don’t want anyone but you.. I know you’ll move on someday and that thought alone shatters my heart each time.. because I want to be selfish. I want you to be with me. I’m so sorry for being selfish. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry if there was ever a moment where it seemed like I didn’t want you to be close with me or maybe where I pushed you away. I’m not perfect. I’ve never been perfect. There were things that left me devastated, that I was healing because of you. You helped me want to be a better person because I wanted to be good enough for you. And I know I fell short of that.. and for that I’m sorry. My heart will always love, part of me will be waiting. I know that much to be true.. I just miss talking to you everyday, having you tell me that everything was going to be okay. I miss you. And I want you to be with me.. Always&Forever JGS

The Ache

Every fiber of my being wants to write him. I type out a message, I hover over the send button, and then I backspace all of it. I miss him. I miss him so much, and it hurts. I keep opening the app we use to talk because sometimes it’ll say what he’s listening to. I can picture him in the car when he’d play songs and then sing them. I’d giggle because he was so cute doing it. I’d giggle because it all felt so perfect. It felt like home. 

Sacrifice 

What is sacrifice? Merriam-Webster described sacrifice as “the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.” Yesterday, the children and I were talking about sacrifice. About the symbolic meaning behind a sacrifice. I was using it in reference to God giving His son to us. I told them it was a selfless sacrifice. A sacrifice He made out of love for us. The children’s eyebrows quirked. They looked confused. They asked me if regular people, people like us, ever made sacrifices out of love. I stopped to think about it and pulled together some examples I could think of. They understood and then they asked me, “Miss Kassandra, is there a sacrifice you’d make out of love?” It never occurred to me that they would ask me a question like that. It never occurred to me that I would have an answer for it. Tears came to my eyes. I willed them away because the last thing I wanted was for the children to see me cry. And I simply said yes. Last night I was in my room, I was sitting on my bed, looking through pictures on my phone, watching a video I had created, thinking of memories. I was remembering all that was said, all that was done. I cried for something I’d lost, something that had slipped from my grasp. My feelings would never change but my actions had to. In order to protect the one I love, I have to make a sacrifice. My pain, I have to hide. My love, I have to hide. Because I need him to be happy. Even if he’s not with me.   I want to shout from the rooftops about how much this man means to me, how much I love him. But I’ll put it in my heart, I’ll write it when I think it. Sacrifices were meant to hurt some. But I would rather it be me than him. 

Goodbyes..

No one ever warns you how painful certain goodbyes can be. No one ever tells you that it is a physical pain. A pain you wish never existed. A pain that can make you drop to your knees.. No one tells you how many tears fall. It is not fair. But then again, there are those who say

“No one ever said life was fair.”

I have so many regrets in this life. I was never perfect. I never claimed to be. This goodbye probably hits me the hardest.. Because I never wanted to say goodbye.. I kept a hope alive in my heart that maybe, someday, it could be again. But now I know it was never meant to be.. It seems almost cruel in a way. For God to play a horrible joke. For me to fall in love after promising myself never to fall in love again. For me to fall so deep and not want to get up. Always believing that he would be there. For me to believe that Always&Forever would really be forever. No one ever told me forever was such a short time. I would have forsaken everything for him. I would have done anything to be with him. Does that make me a fool? Did I over love? Did I hold on too tight and God decided I was not allowed to have him anymore? Was my hope too bright? Too encompassing? How do I move on now? How do I put him behind me when all I dream of is him? I made a video of pictures of us, of pictures of him. I watch it every day. Always just once. I don’t think I am ever going to be ready for this.. Every night since he left, I get on my knees and pray those unanswered prayers. No one ever said that saying goodbye would break your heart all over again..