I guess the hardest part of any breakup is the moment that you know everything really is over. There is no going back. There is no more hope. No more waiting. All I can do at this point is take life one step at a time, never looking back. I can cherish the memories but that is all I can do. My life has to go on without him. And realizing that was the hardest part for me. I feel numb. I am all cried out. I screamed and I cried and I have nothing left. I am just numb. I never thought this moment would come. I never wanted it to. Because when you know someone is the one, you know. He kept telling me that we could overcome anything, that our love would help us. But it didn’t. Our love didn’t do what I thought it was capable of doing. And he walked away. And it made me wonder. It really did. It made me wonder if love was really strong or is it all just a delusion?
I have recently come to a startling realization. I keep pushing him away. And to be truthful, I know why. Deep down inside, I honestly do not think I am deserving of a great love. Not a love like Romeo and Juliet, a love like George and Mary, a love like Heathcliff and Cathy. I always dreamed of those type of loves, a love worth dying for. I always dreamed I would love someone and he would love me and everything would be right in the world. Sadly, life does not work out that way and I learned that the hard way. Sometimes happily ever after does not exist. I love Jesse, with all of my heart. I really do. And I know that my feelings for him are completely different from the types of love I felt before. My feelings for him are intense and honestly frightening, because I was so afraid of my past, of my insecurities, I was afraid he would not love me. I was afraid that he would learn about a past, a life that he would want no part of. I was afraid of letting myself love him because it would mean that I was letting someone into every part of me, every part of my life. And then the worse possible thing that could have happened did happen. And he was not mine anymore. My biggest fear was always that I would lose him. That fear overcame every fear I have ever had. Because I knew that having him meant I did not have to be afraid anymore. Lately I have been feeling so selfish. I feel like I have to push him away.. I do not want to. I never want to completely lose him. I would never be the same.. I feel like I am holding him back from experiencing life. I do not want him to grow older and look back with regret. I want him to look back and be happy with how his life went. I would give up everything so he could be happy. He is my everything. I read that sometimes love means having to sacrifice so the one you love can be happy. And I know, in my heart, that if I had to, I would let him go so he could be happy. I do not want to. I want a future with him. I still dream of it. Almost every night, his smile, his laugh, his warmth are in my dreams. When I feel the wind against my face, I blow kisses in the hopes that when he feels the wind, he receives my kisses. I love him. More than I ever thought I could love someone. I love him from the bottom of my soul, I love him with my heart. He is my puzzle piece. I knew that from the moment my eyes met his.
There was a sadness deep inside,
But I took it all in stride.
Letting go seems so hard to do,
When all I dream of is you.
The fire between us consumed me,
Our love bloomed as beautiful as the cherry tree.
You are my greatest love, my fondest memory,
I would love and cherish you through any century.
You saved my heart, my soul,
And without you, it feels unwhole.
The first time I saw you,
My heart was beating so fast
Your smile was heaven
Your laughter was hopeful
Your hug was magical
I never wanted to stop looking into your eyes
I tried. I tried to push you away
I could never be good enough
But you held on, you held on so tight
Your embrace kept me warm, your smile became my home
Your strength melted my fears away
With you, my dreams became a reality
I found the man I wanted to spend my life with
All my worries and fears could fade away when I thought of you
My heart misses you now
My soul misses you now
My love for you will always be.
No one ever warns you how painful certain goodbyes can be. No one ever tells you that it is a physical pain. A pain you wish never existed. A pain that can make you drop to your knees.. No one tells you how many tears fall. It is not fair. But then again, there are those who say
“No one ever said life was fair.”
I have so many regrets in this life. I was never perfect. I never claimed to be. This goodbye probably hits me the hardest.. Because I never wanted to say goodbye.. I kept a hope alive in my heart that maybe, someday, it could be again. But now I know it was never meant to be.. It seems almost cruel in a way. For God to play a horrible joke. For me to fall in love after promising myself never to fall in love again. For me to fall so deep and not want to get up. Always believing that he would be there. For me to believe that Always&Forever would really be forever. No one ever told me forever was such a short time. I would have forsaken everything for him. I would have done anything to be with him. Does that make me a fool? Did I over love? Did I hold on too tight and God decided I was not allowed to have him anymore? Was my hope too bright? Too encompassing? How do I move on now? How do I put him behind me when all I dream of is him? I made a video of pictures of us, of pictures of him. I watch it every day. Always just once. I don’t think I am ever going to be ready for this.. Every night since he left, I get on my knees and pray those unanswered prayers. No one ever said that saying goodbye would break your heart all over again..
“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”
- Honore de Balzac
Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.
Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..
This morning, I woke up. I woke up and remembered. I didn’t cry but I felt an emptiness so deep. I didn’t sleep well. I knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. I dreamed about all of our memories. I woke up at 1 a.m., crying, my heart in pain. Every time I went back to sleep last night, I kept waking up from a dream of a memory, starting from the beginning. This isn’t easy. I don’t think it ever will be. He’s the love of my life but I’m not with him anymore. This devastates me. I don’t have an appetite so I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Half of me is gone. How do I get that back? How do I move on? Someone wrote me last night, letting me know they could help me move on, but that’s not what I want. I want him. And I can’t have him. In my heart, there will never be anyone but him. But I don’t know how to function without him yet. I can’t do this. I can’t. When I close my eyes, all I see is him. I put his sweater on last night to be closer to him. I cried after that, for hours. Inside, I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at God and ask him why this happened, why he isn’t mine anymore. Why He took away my happiness. But I can’t.. I keep having to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. All I can do now is wish him the best in this life and drag myself through life alone. Years from now, when I’m by myself, I’ll think back to this time. I’ll think back to the moment I felt lost, I felt alone. The moment I knew I lost him. I love him, and I know I always will. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved him. He will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me. He decided to leave me, I understand, and I’ll let him go, but the sorrow in my heart will never fade. Because he’ll always be the one I want, he’ll always be in my heart. He’ll always be the one that taught me to love myself and he’ll always be the one who loved me when I didn’t think anyone ever would again. I’ll never regret him and I’ll never hate him.