Happiness

After the breakup in January, I thought happiness was just a relative term. That happiness never truly existed. That what most people felt was contentment. I went through half of January, all of February, and 3/4ths of March depressed. I couldn’t eat, I struggled to sleep, I was losing weight too rapidly. I hid my pain behind false smiles, behind the makeup I painted on my face. I cried alone in my room, late at night. I went to work where the little true smiles I had were reserved for my children. J hurt me. In a way I never thought he could. He led me on until the day he started dating V. He didn’t tell me. He was probably never going to tell me. I don’t know why. I always encouraged him to tell me the moment he was going to let go so I didn’t waste away and pine for something truly lost.  I was slowly wasting away. I contemplated my worth. And then my friend, a person who came into my life unexpectedly, did the unthinkable. He made me truly laugh. When I confessed to him about my depression, he didn’t tell me to get over it. He simply said, “It’ll be hard but you’ll be okay.” And I instantly knew it was going to be okay. I still couldn’t eat and most days were really hard, but talking to him every day, sending him puns and memes, joking with him in a way I hadn’t been able to joke with anyone else, made it all better. I told him my hopes and dreams, and he listened, without judging, even though they were probably foolish. I told him I never wish ill on J because I will always want him to be happy, no matter how things happened. I still feel that way. But… 

I can honestly say, almost 3 months after that breakup, I’m okay. I may not be completely healed, and a part of me may miss J, but I know I can move forward, and I can have a bright future. I gained more confidence in myself. I began losing weight on my own instead of my lack of eating. I stopped throwing up everything I was eating. Some mornings, I will wake up with this pain in my heart, and my day will be depressing but I’m strong, I’m okay, and I AM a goddamn Queen. And I know that one day, I will be able to hear his name and not tremble with heartache. 

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