Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Happiness

After the breakup in January, I thought happiness was just a relative term. That happiness never truly existed. That what most people felt was contentment. I went through half of January, all of February, and 3/4ths of March depressed. I couldn’t eat, I struggled to sleep, I was losing weight too rapidly. I hid my pain behind false smiles, behind the makeup I painted on my face. I cried alone in my room, late at night. I went to work where the little true smiles I had were reserved for my children. J hurt me. In a way I never thought he could. He led me on until the day he started dating V. He didn’t tell me. He was probably never going to tell me. I don’t know why. I always encouraged him to tell me the moment he was going to let go so I didn’t waste away and pine for something truly lost.  I was slowly wasting away. I contemplated my worth. And then my friend, a person who came into my life unexpectedly, did the unthinkable. He made me truly laugh. When I confessed to him about my depression, he didn’t tell me to get over it. He simply said, “It’ll be hard but you’ll be okay.” And I instantly knew it was going to be okay. I still couldn’t eat and most days were really hard, but talking to him every day, sending him puns and memes, joking with him in a way I hadn’t been able to joke with anyone else, made it all better. I told him my hopes and dreams, and he listened, without judging, even though they were probably foolish. I told him I never wish ill on J because I will always want him to be happy, no matter how things happened. I still feel that way. But… 

I can honestly say, almost 3 months after that breakup, I’m okay. I may not be completely healed, and a part of me may miss J, but I know I can move forward, and I can have a bright future. I gained more confidence in myself. I began losing weight on my own instead of my lack of eating. I stopped throwing up everything I was eating. Some mornings, I will wake up with this pain in my heart, and my day will be depressing but I’m strong, I’m okay, and I AM a goddamn Queen. And I know that one day, I will be able to hear his name and not tremble with heartache.