I guess the hardest part of any breakup is the moment that you know everything really is over. There is no going back. There is no more hope. No more waiting. All I can do at this point is take life one step at a time, never looking back. I can cherish the memories but that is all I can do. My life has to go on without him. And realizing that was the hardest part for me. I feel numb. I am all cried out. I screamed and I cried and I have nothing left. I am just numb. I never thought this moment would come. I never wanted it to. Because when you know someone is the one, you know. He kept telling me that we could overcome anything, that our love would help us. But it didn’t. Our love didn’t do what I thought it was capable of doing. And he walked away. And it made me wonder. It really did. It made me wonder if love was really strong or is it all just a delusion?
I have recently come to a startling realization. I keep pushing him away. And to be truthful, I know why. Deep down inside, I honestly do not think I am deserving of a great love. Not a love like Romeo and Juliet, a love like George and Mary, a love like Heathcliff and Cathy. I always dreamed of those type of loves, a love worth dying for. I always dreamed I would love someone and he would love me and everything would be right in the world. Sadly, life does not work out that way and I learned that the hard way. Sometimes happily ever after does not exist. I love Jesse, with all of my heart. I really do. And I know that my feelings for him are completely different from the types of love I felt before. My feelings for him are intense and honestly frightening, because I was so afraid of my past, of my insecurities, I was afraid he would not love me. I was afraid that he would learn about a past, a life that he would want no part of. I was afraid of letting myself love him because it would mean that I was letting someone into every part of me, every part of my life. And then the worse possible thing that could have happened did happen. And he was not mine anymore. My biggest fear was always that I would lose him. That fear overcame every fear I have ever had. Because I knew that having him meant I did not have to be afraid anymore. Lately I have been feeling so selfish. I feel like I have to push him away.. I do not want to. I never want to completely lose him. I would never be the same.. I feel like I am holding him back from experiencing life. I do not want him to grow older and look back with regret. I want him to look back and be happy with how his life went. I would give up everything so he could be happy. He is my everything. I read that sometimes love means having to sacrifice so the one you love can be happy. And I know, in my heart, that if I had to, I would let him go so he could be happy. I do not want to. I want a future with him. I still dream of it. Almost every night, his smile, his laugh, his warmth are in my dreams. When I feel the wind against my face, I blow kisses in the hopes that when he feels the wind, he receives my kisses. I love him. More than I ever thought I could love someone. I love him from the bottom of my soul, I love him with my heart. He is my puzzle piece. I knew that from the moment my eyes met his.