Bad days

Some days are worse than others. Days where there is no comfort, and inside, I’m breaking. I didn’t ask for this. I promise I didn’t. I didn’t ask to fall in love and then have it taken away from me. I didn’t ask to feel this pain a little more today than I did yesterday. I know it takes time. I’m constantly hearing that it takes time. But how much time until I don’t have to wake up, remembering? Because even in my dreams, I can’t escape. I dream of him with another girl. And I wake up, crying, feeling like every day that passes, it’ll become a reality. How did I go from absolutely knowing the future I wanted with him, the future I dreamed of with him, to dying a little inside because I know he’ll find someone else to share his life with? There was no closure when he walked away. There was no reason as to why I was being left alone. Just the constant, “I didn’t want that. It wasn’t my decision.” Whose? Whose decision was it? And I couldn’t even know that much. I remember how broken I was. How ripped apart I was. How utterly and completely devastated I was. I kept thinking, “Was I not worth you fighting for? Was our love not worth fighting for? Did the things we share mean so little to you?” I wanted him to fight for us, and I felt like he hadn’t even though he said he had. We’re adults, why was someone else being allowed to make a decision like this? Why was someone else able to get him to leave me? I tried to be angry, I tried to hate but I couldn’t. Not at him. Not at someone who was my home, my world. I know that I have to change my background on my phone. When I unlock it, I see a memory him and I shared. It seems so long ago when I laid next to him on his bed, his heart so close to mine, everything perfect in this world. I knew that day that I was undeniably in love with him, that I had found my home. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was washing the dishes and I went to take a picture, and he was behind me, simply washing the dishes, without a care in the world. I turned around and watched him. The feeling that came over me was warmth, I felt my heart pounding, I got a little scared, and then realized my home was with me. He fit the jigsaw piece of my puzzle. When he left, my puzzle broke, and half of my pieces are missing. He has them. And I just want him back. I know, deep down, that he’ll move on and we’ll never be together again. I know.. it doesn’t take away any of the pain though. After he walked away, I was broken. I was a shell. My mother, in her rage and despair, said things she never meant. A couple of weeks after, she confessed that she had felt bad but seeing me, her daughter, screaming, crying, scared her. She asked me if I wanted to ask him to move in with us so him and I could be together. But I didn’t even broach the subject because I knew already. I knew the answer because I know him. Family is everything to him and I knew there was no way he’d leave his family to be with me. One day, on a Saturday in February, I confessed to my mother that I wanted to wait for him. That I would wait for him. Because in my heart, it’s what I felt I needed to do. My mother said she knew that was what I was going to do. That if I prayed, and felt like this is what my heart wanted, then I should wait. This was the first time my mother concurred with me on something. It all felt good. And then it wasn’t. Because he told me not to wait long, that it would be a long time before we could be together. That’s when the nightmares began. I would’ve waited for so long for him because he was worth it. I miss him every day. I want to be with him. Some days are easier than others but not today. Today I miss him more, today I want him more and today I love him a bit more. I just want to be with him. I pray every night. I love him. Always and forever. [JGS]

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