Thoughts

There was a sadness deep inside,

But I took it all in stride.

Letting go seems so hard to do,

When all I dream of is you.

The fire between us consumed me,

Our love bloomed as beautiful as the cherry tree.

You are my greatest love, my fondest memory,

I would love and cherish you through any century.

You saved my heart, my soul,

And without you, it feels unwhole.

Him

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting in my room, at my desk, listening to songs that say words I cannot. The day is almost at a close so I want to talk about him. He’s been on my mind all day. Let me be honest here, he is always on my mind even if I don’t realize it right away. Most nights, he’s in my dreams. The feelings I have for this man don’t compare to anything else.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, The Notebook type love that’s everlasting. But a part of me never truly believed in soulmates until the day I met him. I remember like it was yesterday. I remember all of our memories like they were yesterday. But I remember that day because I was such a nervous wreck. My insides were badly twisted and I was afraid that as soon as he saw me, he would be uninterested. I never think of myself as the best woman out there. I don’t even come close. I always feel there are things about myself that I could fix, appearance and personality wise. But the moment my eyes met his, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know. I kept denying it. Over the months that I didn’t get to see him, I tried pushing him away, and he knew. I never felt good enough for him. I felt like I was damaged, like I would bring him nothing but sadness and anger. He never left though. So I decided to give it a try. I decided to trust my heart. I let myself love him. And I still do. Because I believed in soulmates, because I believed that he was my missing puzzle piece. He was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of the school day and just tell him about my day and have him tell me about his. For us to make memories, for us to have this cute house that fit who we were, for me to take him on a journey through all the places where I grew up so he could see the beauty of all of it.

I miss him. I miss him so much.. I miss our talks, our cute nicknames. I miss hearing his voice, and I miss seeing his face. I miss him sending me pictures with the filters on Snapchat, and then I could screenshot them and put them in my folder on my phone so I could just see his face. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. The ache in my heart doesn’t lessen because he’s missing from there. Some days are harder than others. Some days I just wish I could forget but I know that if I were to forget, my life wouldn’t have been better for knowing him, for loving him. Because of him, I learned to trust in a way I never thought I could. I learned that hope is important to have. And I learned that sometimes things cannot be. That was the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I know what my heart wants and I know what I want. And it’s just him. He is my home. When I looked at him, I knew I was home. When I was in his arms, I knew I was home. When he held my hand, I knew I was home. When his lips touched mine, I knew I was home. When he spoke of our future, I knew I was home. Because in my mind, there was no one else but him, for me. He would do this thing, where he would just look at me and smile. He wouldn’t say anything, just look at me. And I would wonder why he would just stare at me, so I would eventually ask, “What?” and he’d make some comment about looking at his beautiful girlfriend. And I would try not to blush because that man, God, that man, had the ability to bring butterflies to my tummy, make me weak in the knees, at his smile. I will always remember his arms around me, I will always remember the way I felt being in his arms, the warmth, the safety, the love. I will always remember the way his hand felt holding mine. I will always remember how our hands fit together, how he never judged my baby hands, how he would hold onto my hand when I would try to pull away. I will always remember the way his kisses felt. I will always remember the way I felt when he kissed me, the love, the rush of life into my body, the thought that I could kiss him every day for the rest of my life and be totally and absolutely content with everything. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his voice. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with him. And I will want him to be happy and have goodness in him. Always and Forever. Because il nostro amore e l’amore che move il sole e l’altre stelle.

Bad days

Some days are worse than others. Days where there is no comfort, and inside, I’m breaking. I didn’t ask for this. I promise I didn’t. I didn’t ask to fall in love and then have it taken away from me. I didn’t ask to feel this pain a little more today than I did yesterday. I know it takes time. I’m constantly hearing that it takes time. But how much time until I don’t have to wake up, remembering? Because even in my dreams, I can’t escape. I dream of him with another girl. And I wake up, crying, feeling like every day that passes, it’ll become a reality. How did I go from absolutely knowing the future I wanted with him, the future I dreamed of with him, to dying a little inside because I know he’ll find someone else to share his life with? There was no closure when he walked away. There was no reason as to why I was being left alone. Just the constant, “I didn’t want that. It wasn’t my decision.” Whose? Whose decision was it? And I couldn’t even know that much. I remember how broken I was. How ripped apart I was. How utterly and completely devastated I was. I kept thinking, “Was I not worth you fighting for? Was our love not worth fighting for? Did the things we share mean so little to you?” I wanted him to fight for us, and I felt like he hadn’t even though he said he had. We’re adults, why was someone else being allowed to make a decision like this? Why was someone else able to get him to leave me? I tried to be angry, I tried to hate but I couldn’t. Not at him. Not at someone who was my home, my world. I know that I have to change my background on my phone. When I unlock it, I see a memory him and I shared. It seems so long ago when I laid next to him on his bed, his heart so close to mine, everything perfect in this world. I knew that day that I was undeniably in love with him, that I had found my home. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was washing the dishes and I went to take a picture, and he was behind me, simply washing the dishes, without a care in the world. I turned around and watched him. The feeling that came over me was warmth, I felt my heart pounding, I got a little scared, and then realized my home was with me. He fit the jigsaw piece of my puzzle. When he left, my puzzle broke, and half of my pieces are missing. He has them. And I just want him back. I know, deep down, that he’ll move on and we’ll never be together again. I know.. it doesn’t take away any of the pain though. After he walked away, I was broken. I was a shell. My mother, in her rage and despair, said things she never meant. A couple of weeks after, she confessed that she had felt bad but seeing me, her daughter, screaming, crying, scared her. She asked me if I wanted to ask him to move in with us so him and I could be together. But I didn’t even broach the subject because I knew already. I knew the answer because I know him. Family is everything to him and I knew there was no way he’d leave his family to be with me. One day, on a Saturday in February, I confessed to my mother that I wanted to wait for him. That I would wait for him. Because in my heart, it’s what I felt I needed to do. My mother said she knew that was what I was going to do. That if I prayed, and felt like this is what my heart wanted, then I should wait. This was the first time my mother concurred with me on something. It all felt good. And then it wasn’t. Because he told me not to wait long, that it would be a long time before we could be together. That’s when the nightmares began. I would’ve waited for so long for him because he was worth it. I miss him every day. I want to be with him. Some days are easier than others but not today. Today I miss him more, today I want him more and today I love him a bit more. I just want to be with him. I pray every night. I love him. Always and forever. [JGS]

You

The first time I saw you,

My heart was beating so fast

Your smile was heaven

Your laughter was hopeful

Your hug was magical

I never wanted to stop looking into your eyes

I tried. I tried to push you away

I could never be good enough

But you held on, you held on so tight

Your embrace kept me warm, your smile became my home

Your strength melted my fears away

With you, my dreams became a reality

I found the man I wanted to spend my life with

All my worries and fears could fade away when I thought of you

My heart misses you now

My soul misses you now

My love for you will always be.

 

Late Night Thoughts

This is so hard… all I want to do is talk to you. I just want to be able to write you. I miss you so much. My heart misses you so much.. I think nights are the hardest. Because I just lay in bed, and think of you. I made this video of us. This video of selfies you’ve sent me, pictures we’ve taken together. I think I must’ve watched it 5 times over and over again that first day. It just all still seems unreal. Part of my heart keeps hoping I’ll wake up and this will be a dream. That you’ll still be in my life and that we’ll still be planning our future together. With Napoleon and the compromises we make. Planning those future lunch dates when I have my own classroom. I just want that back. I want those moments back. I want you back. I want you to be mine. I’m missing half of me.. and I’m not sure what to do.. I want to wait for you, for us because in my heart, it feels worth it. But I feel like you don’t want me to wait, that you KNOW we won’t be together again. It feels like a knife in my gut, thinking of you with someone else. And I can’t picture myself with anyone else.. I can be out, walking, and pass a guy. When I look at his face, and I see he isn’t you, I stop paying attention to him. Because he’s not you. Because in my heart, I don’t want anyone but you.. I know you’ll move on someday and that thought alone shatters my heart each time.. because I want to be selfish. I want you to be with me. I’m so sorry for being selfish. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry if there was ever a moment where it seemed like I didn’t want you to be close with me or maybe where I pushed you away. I’m not perfect. I’ve never been perfect. There were things that left me devastated, that I was healing because of you. You helped me want to be a better person because I wanted to be good enough for you. And I know I fell short of that.. and for that I’m sorry. My heart will always love, part of me will be waiting. I know that much to be true.. I just miss talking to you everyday, having you tell me that everything was going to be okay. I miss you. And I want you to be with me.. Always&Forever JGS

The Ache

Every fiber of my being wants to write him. I type out a message, I hover over the send button, and then I backspace all of it. I miss him. I miss him so much, and it hurts. I keep opening the app we use to talk because sometimes it’ll say what he’s listening to. I can picture him in the car when he’d play songs and then sing them. I’d giggle because he was so cute doing it. I’d giggle because it all felt so perfect. It felt like home. 

Sacrifice 

What is sacrifice? Merriam-Webster described sacrifice as “the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.” Yesterday, the children and I were talking about sacrifice. About the symbolic meaning behind a sacrifice. I was using it in reference to God giving His son to us. I told them it was a selfless sacrifice. A sacrifice He made out of love for us. The children’s eyebrows quirked. They looked confused. They asked me if regular people, people like us, ever made sacrifices out of love. I stopped to think about it and pulled together some examples I could think of. They understood and then they asked me, “Miss Kassandra, is there a sacrifice you’d make out of love?” It never occurred to me that they would ask me a question like that. It never occurred to me that I would have an answer for it. Tears came to my eyes. I willed them away because the last thing I wanted was for the children to see me cry. And I simply said yes. Last night I was in my room, I was sitting on my bed, looking through pictures on my phone, watching a video I had created, thinking of memories. I was remembering all that was said, all that was done. I cried for something I’d lost, something that had slipped from my grasp. My feelings would never change but my actions had to. In order to protect the one I love, I have to make a sacrifice. My pain, I have to hide. My love, I have to hide. Because I need him to be happy. Even if he’s not with me.   I want to shout from the rooftops about how much this man means to me, how much I love him. But I’ll put it in my heart, I’ll write it when I think it. Sacrifices were meant to hurt some. But I would rather it be me than him.