Memories

“True Love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.”

  • Honore de Balzac

Memories are a powerful thing. They have the power to break a person.

Closing my eyes, all I see is him and my heart aches. I think back to that moment we first met. The way my heart sped up, how nervous I was, how his hug felt, how perfect he was. I think back to that first date. He was a gentleman. How perfect it felt, just being with him. I didn’t want to pay attention to the movie. How I wish I would’ve just looked at him. I think back to our first kiss. I was nervous, but I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to know if I’d feel that “zing.” I did. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I think back to the moment I knew I was in love with him. He was simply washing dishes. It seemed to be the most simple thing. When I looked at him, I knew. I knew I was home. Love is when that one person makes you feel like you are finally home. I think back to the tears, the anguish, the longing for him. I think back to the moment he was mine again. I remember just being so happy. There was nothing that could ruin that night for me. I think  back to November 5th. When all I wanted to do was look into his beautiful eyes for eternity. There was nothing sweeter than his kisses, his hugs, his hand holding mine, him holding me. He was perfect. I think back to every memory I shared with him. Memories can destroy a person. Memories can break a heart over and over again. But memories are all I have left. The memory of him loving me. The memory of us planning a future together. The memory of us together. It’s all I have left. If I can’t have him, the memories will keep me going. The warmth of him will keep me going. The love I have for him will keep me going. The memories will keep me from being destroyed. The love I have for him will never fade. I will always want him. It will always be him for me. Always. He will always be my soulmate, my love, my world, my everything. Even if he isn’t mine..

Time

This morning, I woke up. I woke up and remembered. I didn’t cry but I felt an emptiness so deep. I didn’t sleep well. I knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. I dreamed about all of our memories. I woke up at 1 a.m., crying, my heart in pain. Every time I went back to sleep last night, I kept waking up from a dream of a memory, starting from the beginning. This isn’t easy. I don’t think it ever will be. He’s the love of my life but I’m not with him anymore. This devastates me. I don’t have an appetite so I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Half of me is gone. How do I get that back? How do I move on? Someone wrote me last night, letting me know they could help me move on, but that’s not what I want. I want him. And I can’t have him. In my heart, there will never be anyone but him. But I don’t know how to function without him yet. I can’t do this. I can’t. When I close my eyes, all I see is him. I put his sweater on last night to be closer to him. I cried after that, for hours. Inside, I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at God and ask him why this happened, why he isn’t mine anymore. Why He took away my happiness. But I can’t.. I  keep having to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. All I can do now is wish him the best in this life and drag myself through life alone. Years from now, when I’m by myself, I’ll think back to this time. I’ll think back to the moment I felt lost, I felt alone. The moment I knew I lost him. I love him, and I know I always will. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved him. He will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me. He decided to leave me, I understand, and I’ll let him go, but the sorrow in my heart will never fade. Because he’ll always be the one I want, he’ll always be in my heart. He’ll always be the one that taught me to love myself and he’ll always be the one who loved me when I didn’t think anyone ever would again. I’ll never regret him and I’ll never hate him. 

 

Sometimes..

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. But what do I do now? How do I place the memories behind me? How do I look forward and not remember how my heart beat when I thought of you? How do I smile even when I hear your name? How do I pretend to be okay when I’m really not? All I can think of now is your smile. I was praying, and all I could see in my mind was your smile. The smile I fell in love with. The smile you graced me with so often. The smile that was mine. When I go to sleep tonight, what will I see in my dreams tonight? The future I used to dream is gone. So what will replace it? Will I dream of you? Will I dream of your smile, your hugs, your hand holding mine? Will I dream of you touching my hair, my face? Will I dream of your kisses? I’m scared of what I will see when I close my eyes tonight. I miss you. God help me, I miss you. I miss everything. I miss your voice, your laugh, your smile, your eyes. God help me, please.

Moving on..

Today was a hard day.. I never thought this would be a day I’d have. When I was promised forever, I really thought it’d be forever. After it happened, I screamed and I cried.. I felt like I was literally ripped in half. This was a pain I never knew I’d feel. I wanted to hate him.. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him back.. I wanted him to be mine.. I have to move on, and I don’t know if I can or if I even want to.. Everyone says it just takes time, that I haven’t found the one yet. But he was my one… I knew that from the moment I met him. The feelings were real, the love was real, everything was real.. I don’t know what to do without him. I pictured my future with him. I pictured my life with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m utterly and completely lost. I’ve never wanted to open to anyone after Ben. But I did. I opened my heart and gave it to someone to protect it and cherish it. And it’s shattered now.. I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I don’t know how to piece it back together. I prayed for an answer, for a way, for anything to take away my heartbreak.. I just want him back.. The sound of his voice, the feel of his hugs, they kept me safe.. And now I don’t have them anymore.. My heart hurts..

My Letter To You

To Whom It May Concern,

I have been going through different emotions. I have not been at my best lately. You know some of it, but I have tried to keep most of it hidden from you. I never wanted you to know. I never wanted you to see the sorrow I felt about us being physically apart for so long. I tried to hide it. I never want you to blame yourself for the feelings I may have felt. I just wanted you to know, to see, to feel that I loved you, with my whole heart. It feels like it’s all spiraling down. And I never wanted that. I wanted it to be me and you. Always. When I closed my eyes, even now, I don’t see anyone else but you. When I thought of my future, of future goals, of marriage, of children, I saw all of these things with you. Before I met you, I had promised myself to never fall so deep that I saw a future with anyone. I always felt like it would just be me. I would become a teacher, but I’d live by myself in this tiny apartment. No love, no children, but just bestowing my love upon my nieces and nephews. I’d be the cat lady most females dread. I’d joke like that to my friends. And then I met you, in May 2016, a month I won’t forget because YOU changed everything.

You messaged me after we matched. You wanted to be my friend, you wanted to get to know me, and I wanted to know you. You were genuine, you were good, you had a kind soul. I was slowly falling. The moment I first met you in person, the moment my eyes met yours, I knew. I knew your soul. I knew who you were as a person and that everything you said, everything you felt, was true. I knew I was falling in love with you. We didn’t see each other for months after and I began to pull away. I was afraid, I was scared if I loved you, I would lose you. You’d love me for awhile and then leave me. You didn’t want me to pull away though. You didn’t know about my flaws yet. You didn’t know that I was damaged.

We went on a date, and it was amazing. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget our first kiss, I’ll never forget the first time you held my hand. These are memories I’ll dream about, these are memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Every moment with you was so different from others before you. It was real. It was all so real. My love for you grew, and I remember the moment I first loved you. I knew, just by looking at you, that I loved you. I looked at you and I was home. You gave me the feeling of home. Naturally, I was devastated when you broke things off on October 5th. I cried every day, I woke up nauseous, and yet you still wanted to talk to me, you still wanted me to love you. I never wanted to stop loving you. When you asked me to be with you again, there was never another answer except for yes. It would’ve always been a yes. November was the best month of my life.

I love you, and I know I always will. You will always be my soulmate. I never knew what true love was until I loved you. And I know, that within my heart, I will never love anyone the way I loved you. You will forever be my saving grace. Thank you for saving me.

To Her Great Love

To her greatest love,

Isn’t it funny how life can change within a second? Isn’t it inspiring how you came into her life when she needed you the most? She needed to learn to love herself and she couldn’t, without you. You loved her, you loved her for who she was, not for how she looked or for what you could gain from her. You loved her soul. She’ll never forget the lessons you taught her. She was destroyed the last time she loved someone. Pieces of her were so broken, she never thought she’d be whole again. She hid herself away, she hid her heart away, to protect herself. Then you came along, and the feelings she felt towards you left her terrified. Her mind and her heart fought against one another. But she decided to trust her heart one last time. She put her all into you, her heart, her soul, and loved you so. She loved you even when apart. She remained loyal through a battle of her heart and mind. She loved, and loved. Even when hope seemed so lost. Because she believed you were worth everything. And you were. You loved her back. You promised her an always and she put her faith into that promise. You slowly taught her to think differently of herself. To see herself the way you saw her. She can look in a mirror and like the reflection she is because you taught her more about herself than she thought possible. When she thinks of her future, you are always a part of it. Because she wants you to be a part of it. The thought of losing you terrifies her because she put all of her love in your hands. She wants you, she wants you in her life. Because you are a part of her happiness. Because she wants you to be the last person she loves because of who you are as a  person. Because of your kind, gentle, wise, loving heart. Because you complete her in a  way no one else ever did or will. You are her soulmate, her piece of the puzzle she has been missing. If you ever decide to stop loving her one day, she’ll understand, and she’ll let you go, but the sorrow in her heart will never fade. Because you’ll always be the one she wanted, you’ll always be in her heart. You’ll always be the one that taught her to love herself and you’ll always be the one who loved her when she didn’t think anyone ever would.