Those Moments

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just know something? You close your eyes and feel this warmth, warming your soul, your heart, your smile. I have, with love. Nicholas Sparks’ character, Landon Carter, in A Walk to Remember, said “love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” The wind is like a fresh breeze, blowing through your hair. You’ll never see the wind, but you will always feel it brushing across your skin.

When I started talking to you, I wasn’t looking for anything special. I was looking for a friend. Someone who I could talk to late at night, while laying down, binge-watching a show on Netflix, with my hair in a knock-off messy bun, makeup still on my face. As the month passed, I began to hear compliments from people around me, I was beginning to glow. Not a literal glow, but my smile was more real, stretching from cheek to cheek. I was laughing more, a hearty laugh that comes from your stomach. When I would hear the ping of my phone, I knew it was you and everything would seem brighter somehow. I couldn’t wait until I could meet you.

When I met you, I knew something? The way you know that the sky can be blue, the way you can smell the rain coming, this dewy smell, the way you know the smell of the fresh cut grass on a sunny day. Our eyes met, and I knew you were it. You were wearing a black polo shirt, with your white shorts, and sandals. You had two venti double chocolate chip frappuccinos, my favorite drink. Your smile was shining brighter than the sun. It was almost blinding but I couldn’t look away. When you got closer, I was hit by the smell of your cologne, the heady scent of it, one that I could never forget. My heart was beating out of my chest, you could almost see it. I can still remember the sound of your voice, how masculine, how deep the baritone was. When I hear it on the phone now, I smile and feel weightless because I’m carried by your voice.

When I went on my favorite date with you, it was the best day of the year. It was Christmas in November. I was a little child, opening her Christmas present. The glee, the joy, I felt was nothing that I had ever experienced. I was bashful, like Snow White’s dwarf. I was blushing, a rosy tint to my cheeks, I couldn’t meet your eyes because I could swim in them forever. When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt warm, safe, home. Everything was a puzzle, and it all fit together. Nothing had to be shoved or scrunched into place, everything was a magically, perfect fit. I remember the food at Johnny Rockets, the shock that appeared on my face when you ordered my meal and my milkshake. I remember saying, “This isn’t the 1940s, I can order for myself,” even though I loved you ordering for me. I remember singing my favorite songs, because I knew all of them, and you recording me on your Snapchat, saying how beautiful my voice was. You call me your angel with the angelic voice, with my halo that makes gleam with brightness and beauty, even on my no-makeup days, which occur more frequently.

In the bible, Corinthians 13: 4-7, it is stated that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Love is the wind. You can’t see love but it’s there. It’s a kind, gentle feeling that can warm you on the coldest night, in the loneliest hour. When you love someone, you just know. Everything is right in the world. Home is where the heart is and you’re my home.

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Dark and Damaged.

He is my sun.

In this everlasting darkness.

He is the light that hits right

He blinds my eyes in the dark

But fills me with a warmth

A warmth I had not felt in years

He saved my heart

When I did not want to be saved

One look into those eyes

And my soul became whole

How dare he

He came into my life

And made it whole

Did he not know

I was no good for him

I would destroy him

His kindness

His helpfulness

His loving heart

Did he not see

I could not destroy it

The pureness I felt

The love that surrounded me

I could not

It was never meant for me

 

 

 

Letter to the Love of My Life

You know who you are,

Some letters are relatively hard to write. This is one of them. People have to make hard choices in life, they have to make sacrifices they don’t want to make. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you will never be a regret in my life. I will never look back and hate you or regret loving you. I knew loving you was probably going to be the scariest thing in the world to do, but you were so very worth it. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You will always be MY soulmate, even if I never talk to you again. I will always look back and cherish every moment we had together. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the way your hugs kept me warm and safe. I always felt protected with you. I always knew there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I would’ve done anything for you because you were my always and forever. But it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop dwelling on a past that is the past. It’s time for me to let go of the memory of your hand holding mine. I need to let you go because you’re not mine to love anymore. You’ll be someone else’s. You’ll meet someone, a beautiful woman, who you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her and show her you love her. And if I stay in your life, it’ll hurt. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be cherished in my heart. And you’ll always have parts of my heart and soul.

Happiness

After the breakup in January, I thought happiness was just a relative term. That happiness never truly existed. That what most people felt was contentment. I went through half of January, all of February, and 3/4ths of March depressed. I couldn’t eat, I struggled to sleep, I was losing weight too rapidly. I hid my pain behind false smiles, behind the makeup I painted on my face. I cried alone in my room, late at night. I went to work where the little true smiles I had were reserved for my children. J hurt me. In a way I never thought he could. He led me on until the day he started dating V. He didn’t tell me. He was probably never going to tell me. I don’t know why. I always encouraged him to tell me the moment he was going to let go so I didn’t waste away and pine for something truly lost.  I was slowly wasting away. I contemplated my worth. And then my friend, a person who came into my life unexpectedly, did the unthinkable. He made me truly laugh. When I confessed to him about my depression, he didn’t tell me to get over it. He simply said, “It’ll be hard but you’ll be okay.” And I instantly knew it was going to be okay. I still couldn’t eat and most days were really hard, but talking to him every day, sending him puns and memes, joking with him in a way I hadn’t been able to joke with anyone else, made it all better. I told him my hopes and dreams, and he listened, without judging, even though they were probably foolish. I told him I never wish ill on J because I will always want him to be happy, no matter how things happened. I still feel that way. But… 

I can honestly say, almost 3 months after that breakup, I’m okay. I may not be completely healed, and a part of me may miss J, but I know I can move forward, and I can have a bright future. I gained more confidence in myself. I began losing weight on my own instead of my lack of eating. I stopped throwing up everything I was eating. Some mornings, I will wake up with this pain in my heart, and my day will be depressing but I’m strong, I’m okay, and I AM a goddamn Queen. And I know that one day, I will be able to hear his name and not tremble with heartache. 

The Hardest Part

I guess the hardest part of any breakup is the moment that you know everything really is over. There is no going back. There is no more hope. No more waiting. All I can do at this point is take life one step at a time, never looking back. I can cherish the memories but that is all I can do. My life has to go on without him. And realizing that was the hardest part for me. I feel numb. I am all cried out. I screamed and I cried and I have nothing left. I am just numb. I never thought this moment would come. I never wanted it to. Because when you know someone is the one, you know. He kept telling me that we could overcome anything, that our love would help us. But it didn’t. Our love didn’t do what I thought it was capable of doing. And he walked away. And it made me wonder. It really did. It made me wonder if love was really strong or is it all just a delusion?

Things left unsaid

I have recently come to a startling realization. I keep pushing him away. And to be truthful, I know why. Deep down inside, I honestly do not think I am deserving of a great love. Not a love like Romeo and Juliet, a love like George and Mary, a love like Heathcliff and Cathy. I always dreamed of those type of loves, a love worth dying for. I always dreamed I would love someone and he would love me and everything would be right in the world. Sadly, life does not work out that way and I learned that the hard way. Sometimes happily ever after does not exist. I love Jesse, with all of my heart. I really do. And I know that my feelings for him are completely different from the types of love I felt before. My feelings for him are intense and honestly frightening, because I was so afraid of my past, of my insecurities, I was afraid he would not love me. I was afraid that he would learn about a past, a life that he would want no part of. I was afraid of letting myself love him because it would mean that I was letting someone into every part of me, every part of my life. And then the worse possible thing that could have happened did happen. And he was not mine anymore. My biggest fear was always that I would lose him. That fear overcame every fear I have ever had. Because I knew that having him meant I did not have to be afraid anymore. Lately I have been feeling so selfish. I feel like I have to push him away.. I do not want to. I never want to completely lose him. I would never be the same.. I feel like I am holding him back from experiencing life. I do not want him to grow older and look back with regret. I want him to look back and be happy with how his life went. I would give up everything so he could be happy. He is my everything. I read that sometimes love means having to sacrifice so the one you love can be happy. And I know, in my heart, that if I had to, I would let him go so he could be happy. I do not want to. I want a future with him. I still dream of it. Almost every night, his smile, his laugh, his warmth are in my dreams. When I feel the wind against my face, I blow kisses in the hopes that when he feels the wind, he receives my kisses.  I love him. More than I ever thought I could love someone. I love him from the bottom of my soul, I love him with my heart. He is my puzzle piece. I knew that from the moment my eyes met his.

Thoughts

There was a sadness deep inside,

But I took it all in stride.

Letting go seems so hard to do,

When all I dream of is you.

The fire between us consumed me,

Our love bloomed as beautiful as the cherry tree.

You are my greatest love, my fondest memory,

I would love and cherish you through any century.

You saved my heart, my soul,

And without you, it feels unwhole.